I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
