Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize