At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
