so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
