first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
