May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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