The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I checked into jail on foursquare
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I party with great urgency now.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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