I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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