my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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