you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
