I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
