hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize