My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize