i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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