I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
