You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think I sprained my soul last night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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