glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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