i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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