Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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