The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
