so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
