Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Holy shit dude........stairs
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
