You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
