even my farts smell like vagina
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
