You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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