so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
