1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
