Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
