Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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