well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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