Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
