So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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