The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
