Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
