his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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