I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
