Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
A+ Viking dick
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
