I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
