I love black thongs
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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