I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
