that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
