I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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