you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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