I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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