Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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