Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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