I CAN MOONWALK!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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