Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
