Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
