I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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