Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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