Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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