So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
