Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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