I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He better not be in your backpack
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
