so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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