what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
