There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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