you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
