Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
