I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize