hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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