proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
